Welcome back to the blog! I stepped away from blogging for a few months… actually I never thought I would restart this but a seed has been planted in my heart so here I am! Having sense of direction fuels purpose and drive and I am so excited to be back practicing the craft of writing. After giving my soul a little searching, pondering and praying, I know what topics I’ll be writing about - the most important things to me: Faith, Connection and Personal Growth. This is Everything I Am.

Late last year, I became curious about my spirituality. I’ve always believed in God and known he is the creator of all mankind. I knew that Jesus Christ is his only begotten son and He sent Him here to die for our sins, but I didn’t really know what that meant, Jesus died for our sins. I knew that commandments are basically God's rules for us but didn’t know the reasoning behind them. I realized I never questioned the true reason as to why God sent Jesus here, why we have commandments, what it was that led to Jesus’s crucifixion and everything else the bible teaches us.

Jesus’s crucifixion was the first bible story that I taught myself about. I didn’t know that Jesus went to the garden of Gethsemane and prayed to God because he was feeling anguish about His suffering. He asked His Father (Luke 22:42) “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless not my will, but yours be done.” He felt human emotions about what was about to happen, but He chose to submit to His Father out of obedience and love.

When I learned this, it sat so heavy on my heart. Not that I thought Jesus didn’t feel any type of way about the plan for Him, but I was so painfully ignorant to what took place and how dark and heavy it truly was.

I cried and cried when I learned what it truly meant when people were saying “Jesus died for our sins”. Jesus took the penalty we deserved, making it possible for us to be forgiven and restored to a relationship with God. Through His sacrifice, we can come to God, and that’s why we pray in Jesus’ name, because Jesus is our mediator, our Savior, and the way to the Father. He is the bridge between us and God.

After learning this, I could not possibly go back to how I used to live my life. Checking in with God every once in a while to ask for what I want, never opening my bible, actually not even owning one, being angry at suffering instead of understanding why suffering is a part of His plan for us, etc. I felt terrible for being so ignorant. Knowing that even in the times where I was so angry with God, he still loved me and held space for me weighs so heavy on my heart.

One of the most difficult memories I have of me being angry with God was when I lived in Florida last year and everything was falling apart - my job, my relationship, my foundation - every aspect of my life was falling apart. Things I used to be so certain and confident in were crumbling right before my eyes and I had no idea what to do, where to go, or how to resolve anything. Every solution I thought of was a dead end. I was terrified for my life, like truly. My world had never been rocked like that! I was so upset, and I would pray and pray for the suffering to be taken away. I would pray so hard for a blessing to fall in my lap or for Him to tell me exactly what to do so I can do it. I prayed so hard for clarity and understanding and would become so bitter when things weren’t going my way. I would pray and say “you see me and how hard I’m struggling, how can you be okay with this?”.

Learning about my Creator and who He is genuinely saved my life. In the toughest times of my life when I haven’t been obedient, and was ignorant and bitter - He loved me. He continually extended His finger to me, just in case I wanted to reach for him.

My spiritual journey has been life changing. Truly, life changing. I went to God late last year asking to find the right place that will help me grow strong in my faith, learn about the bible and its teachings, and be with others who love Him as much as I do. This year has been the most challenging, He was like “You’re ready to build your faith?” and then dropped me in the middle of the darkest forest with all my biggest fears and struggles and was like “Ok good luck, I’ll be right here!” Lol.

In the darkest part of the forest, I prayed to God about my uncertainty in navigating to the other side. I felt defeated and ready to give up. I questioned why when I came running to Him, everything in my life got harder. I thought maybe my faith wasn’t as strong as I thought, and my trust in Him was weak. My faith was being tested, because it was true, it wasn’t as strong as I thought, neither was my trust in Him, His timing, and His plan for me.

Last year when everything came crashing down and my faith was tested, instead of turning to Him, the only one who can provide peace and comfort, I turned the other way. I became bitter. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to navigate my struggles in a way I had never done so. Times where I have been uncertain if He is aware of me, I continued to pray. I continued to seek Him, because He is the only thing that brings true peace in the scariest and darkest places.

Every time I open my bible, it opens to this specific page with verses I’ve highlighted:

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Proverbs 3:6 “In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Proverbs 3:12 “For whom the lord loveth he correcteth”

Proverbs 3:13 “Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.”

I never ever thought I would be the type of person to look forward to church throughout the week & have a desire to read my bible and learn all the teachings. Every time I open my bible I say a prayer, asking for me to read something He knows I need to hear. On a very hard day where I received news I didn’t like, I prayed. I saw my bible on my nightstand and I thought “I should read” then “What could I possibly read that will make this situation better”. I said my prayer and opened my bible to verses I highlighted:

Matthew 6:31 “Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?”

Matthew 6:32 “(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.”

Matthew 6:33 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

Matthew 6:34 “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

…I immediately said a prayer, asking for forgiveness for being resistant to turning to Him and His word. I am flawed!

God sees me. He knows my struggles. I mean, I can’t say I’m ever bursting at the seams when I’m being tested, but I am grateful for the growth that trials bring. I could never deny my God. I have been humbled over and over and I am continually being taught the same lesson over and over:

Trust in God and His plan and His timing.

There have been so many things I’ve wanted to go my way and when the outcome wasn’t what I wanted, I’ve felt like it’s wrong. I’m human with human emotions but faith is what builds resilience. This Life is a collab between you and God. You do it, together. You have your agency, which allows you to make your own choices and in this life, you will make your mistakes. God knows your heart and what you’re capable of. He doesn’t need to test you to see how strong you are. He tests you to show you how strong you are. Nobody gets through this life without trials, trials are a part of this life. But your trials test you to show you who you are. It is up to you how you decide to navigate your trials.

God is so loving. He gives us an eternal love that nothing on earth will ever compare to. His love is full, complete, perfect and eternal. Learning that everything he does is out of love has changed who I am as a person. I honestly thought commandments were there to test us and make things hard, I didn’t see them as something God has put in place for us to protect us because He loves His children so much, He only wants the best for them.

Opening my heart and allowing God to work on me has been extremely humbling. Is there an even higher word for humbling? Seeing my faith bleed into every aspect of my life has changed me forever. Yay eeeek.

God created you. Every strand of hair, every mark, your personality, your interests - he created you so thoughtfully. I’m sure once he got done creating you he said “Perfect. Just as I wanted.”. There is no hiding anything from God. You are His child. He knows your flaws, He knows your mistakes - yet He loves you fully and completely. When you make a mistake He doesn’t get angry and say “Nice. When will you learn?”. He says “My love for you is unwavering. Please come talk to me.”. You are perfectly imperfect, because God made you. The same God that made the most beautiful thing you can think of, your most favorite people, places and things, also made you.

In the same breath, He also made the people you don’t agree with or judge. The same love He gives to you, He gives to them. The same forgiveness He gives to you, He gives to them. It is not your job to seek justice if someone has wronged you. You will have to answer to your mistakes, as will the people you judge for their mistakes. Give your emotion to God, then let it go. It is not yours to find justice on. Have peace in knowing God knows all things. He knows your heart, don’t let it be bitter or weighed down. Stay focused on you, that’s what He wants. He just wants you to be happy and He knows harboring resentment or anger for others does more harm than good for you.

God is peace. God is comfort. God is love.

He works in mysterious ways!

I am so grateful a seed was planted in me to build my faith. My faith is my strongest and favorite thing about me. Who would’ve thought! Not me. I never thought this would be me and I could feel the light of Christ in me but I am so grateful and blessed for that. Knowing and believing God has my back and loves me, despite all my flaws and mistakes allows me to navigate this world with more peace and confidence. If my Creator sees all my flaws and still loves me, who would I be to let my own negative thoughts or others dictate how I see myself and navigate the world?

If there is a seed in your heart, a desire, a curiosity - water it. See where it takes you and what happens.

“If you couldn’t do it, or you weren’t meant to, it would not be on your heart to do.” - A guy from a Tiktok I saw months ago

Thank you!! Thank you for reading. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share stories about my faith. It is the most important thing in this life and I still have so much to learn but I really want to let people watch me learn because we do this, together. The embarrassment or fear of being judged washes away when I remember what truly matters in this life. I care about what God thinks of me and if he thinks I’m doing a good job or not. I’m here on earth because I have a purpose and a mission and I want to fulfill that. You are here on earth because you have a purpose and a mission. None of this worldly stuff matters so be brave, be kind, be open, be confident and do good.

In the wise words of someone’s ancestors and every amusement park:

Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride!

Your friend,

Kasi Kealani

K.K.

Faith

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